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To the one,
I hold dearest.

You adored a writer and thought you’d walk out unwritten? I was full of letters, I hadn’t send you.

Ave the dear, it’s been a while since I’ve wrote. We barely know each other, and yet somehow I’ve found my home in you. Home that value: comfort, security, and love. Love. It’s a word that frightens me. I don’t know myself well enough to use it, but I just knew love has me on a chain. The emotion that every man being once felt. You, my heaven of mortal. Each moment with you births a thousand stories. I like figuring you out. You are so human. I adore the texture of your mind. Darling, I did violence to my own heart. For some reason I can’t name, I feels wronged, as if it’s carrying a grief it can’t explain. I never loved a man, before you. It’s suffocating to look at you. Maybe this is what it means to begin something new? A human is a complexion and every human is each subject. Regardless of their shape, race, or gender they are a person that we must value. Yet, when I look at you, my heart trembles. I fail to understand myself in which why gazing upon you brings me such a pain yet I submit my soul to the disaster of loving you. I want the part of you that you refuse to give. Show me all the parts of you that you don’t love so I know where to begin. Stay with me entirely, stay for me as you are. I do not ask in eternity, no, that’s too far away to us to simply figure it out but as long as you wanted me to be. I live in you and I’m suffocating from this longing I have for you.

Angel Weep — CHAPTER I

Can a kiss destroy a philosophy?

Extreme love must bring terror with it, don’t you agree?

For I Repent — CHAPTER II

In solitude I retreat,
a hermit seeking solace.

Dear my tender-hearted muse. This is the part you hate, but the one I love the most. You may grow irritated with my repeated mistakes, yet I would still kneel for your forgiveness. I’d like to apologize. I owe you more than I can measure. I wish apologies were rewinds that could go back to that place in time. Maybe you’re already growing tired of me. May my apology was drowned out by the noise in your mind, I hope you’re not feeling numb at every line of these. I’m sorry for thinking I had done anything wrong. As you know, I have a long list of lovers but none of them matter to me except you, I’m sorry for the constant bring up of my past lovers. I never thought the words “I see you as a subject, not an object” would come from you. It was the first kiss to my soul. Ever since that moment, I think loving you has been truest thing about me. I never felt so valued all my life long. On the other hand, I am a filth in made you thinking I want your body only. I’m twisted yet that’s not even an excuse. I am guilty. I cannot undo what I have done. How can I repent my sin? Tell me. Even thousands of apologies wouldn’t be enough. Teach me how to forgive myself. I never meant any disrespect or neglect toward you, Ave. I care about you deeply. Yet, I fully aware that I’ve been so long abandoning you, your loving message, and egoistically I refuse to be abandoned. Which excuse shall I spell? I am totally guilty and time passing isn’t an apology. Sorry, Ave.Really, what thing worthy of love can be found in me? I crave affection; and run from it. In a sense, I’m the one who ruined me. Undeniably, I am a coward. But I’m not a coward enough that fears to reveal my flaws to you, to fears for a change. I wanted a change on myself. By now on, please accept my fairest deepest apology—I can reconsider anything to be accepted again yet, the promise of change for the best of us. I’ll reply to your past message soon, the one still waiting for my answer, alright?

Antagonist to soul, what was once
a pure practice, has now been sold.

Ave, don’t you notice? I am the very opposite of you. No matter how happy my life may be, these thoughts of malicious self-harm will always be inside me. Rattling around in my brain, waiting to be acted on, waiting to be freed. This isn't something that can be helped, without extensive counselling. As heavy metal bangs around in my brain, everyday I'm a little less sane.

It’s not that I don’t want to be in your future as whatsoever you desire me to be but I never deserve anyone to be with me for a long period of moment. But if one day you find someone that can let your soul set its light sail, you do not have me to burden you. You can love anyone you want. The first solution was to leave my name behind. I sound distinguished full of love, the contradictory messages, hahaha. But this is the kind of love I’ve come to know: the kind that releases, not cages. The kind that would rather see you cared for than kept. Parting is such sweet sorrow, no? May you and I be friends for many moons.